The following post was written a little bit ago, but I delayed posting it for a variety of reasons. First, I wanted to make sure that the emotions were not blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Second, I wanted any possible situations that could possibly be remotely linked to my emotions to have passed. Lastly, but probably the most accurate, was that I was afraid. Afraid to be real and let my thoughts be put "out there" for the world to scrutinize--because once those thoughts are published, then come the comments and criticisms. In the end, posting won out because so many times people have not idea what a day (or days) in the life of an adoptive journey can at times be like. Welcome to my heart. Thanks for reading:
Triggers are things that cause an involuntary reaction or thought. Most of the time I am fine with the whole waiting thing. Most of the time I can look at others' babies and read adoption stories and be just fine. Then I read something or hear something that triggers a deep emotion within me, one that on most days I can control. Then there are days when every fiber of my being hurts from longing for that child. Today is one of those days. A simple stroll through cyberland caused the emotions that I usually keep in check to come tumbling out. Anger, frustration, and tears welled up and burst out...and all I can do is think of our "someday" little one.
At this point we have been officially waiting to meet our child for almost 16 months, but it seems more like a lifetime. During this 16 months, our profile has only been shown to 4 birth mothers, two times which were in the month of December 2015. The lack of activity is so disheartening. When is our time? Why are we not being shown? Why did they not choose us? Gah!!! It is maddening some times!
For 10 years we traveled into the world of infertility. Then almost 4 years ago, we dove headlong into the world of adoption. 18 months into "the process" we met our son, prior to there was the disrupted adoption of sweet Savannah Grace. Now we are 16 month in again, but it feels different this time. It feels endless. During the past 16 month we have seen babies born, families adopt, and other families announce pending adoptions--and WE ARE THRILLED! Truly we are. Every family created or added to is a miracle, a gift from God. But we also hurt a little. It is kinda like all the years of looking at our own negative pregnancy tests and still wanting to rejoice with those whose pregnancy tests were positive. It is a strange combo of pain and joy.
Emotions are funny things. You can know with all your heart and mind that God is in control. You can believe with every fiber of your being that God indeed has a plan and that he has created or is creating a child that he ordained from before time began to be OUR CHILD. Yet, the intense emotions that come with the wait are hard to swallow. I know others may have waited longer. I know that others may have had it harder. I also know that others have not hardly had to wait at all. Still others are contacted before they are actually "in the process". Still others never are matched. Craziness.
The world of adoption is a weird as the emotions that go along with it. It is a roller coaster ride for each family. Each adoption story is unique, miraculous, and beautifully hard in its own way. But the wait triggers similar emotions in all cases simply because waiting is hard. No one, adopting or not, likes to wait for something good to come their way. I, for one, hate to wait for anything! Not for the coffee to brew or for dinner to be done or for a special trip....and especially not for a baby.
So, here I sit being incredibly real, not for sympathy or pity or trite comments, but for the simple requests of asking you to pray. There is nothing that we can do to hurry the process along. There is nothing that we can to do bring our baby home EXCEPT to pray. Pray for the woman carrying our child to be healthy and wise. Pray for the baby to grow strong in her womb. Pray for the doctors that deliver the baby, Pray for the agency as they minister to the birth mom and her family. Pray for us to be strong and patiently wait on the Lord. Pray for our courage to be bolstered and our faith to be strengthened. And pray that we will wait with joy and anticipation of the good things our God has planned for us. Waiting for the good stuff is sooooo hard. Proverbs tells us that hope deferred makes the heart sick; but when desire is come, it is a tree of life. We are ready for the Jeremiah 29:11 promise of "a future with hope" to be fulfilled. We are ready to meet this next addition to the family. We are ready. Will you pray with us?
Thank you for reading.
~Virginia
