Encouragement, Provision, and God's Goodness

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is the one from Psalm 37:25 where King David looks back over his life and recounts the Lord's provision. He says, "I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread."  I also love Philippians 4:19 where the Apostle Paul states, "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."

Over the years I have seen God provide for our needs so many times and in a variety of ways. I KNOW there are so many more ways than what I am about to recount. And the ways that God takes care of those who trust him on the day to day basis are not to be forgotten. Even so, there are events and situations that are highlighted in my heart as reminders of what God has already done in my life. Things I go back to when funds are tight and tensions high and stress overwhelming. 

Throughout our adoptions, we watched God provide the needed funds through his people and through hard work.God brought in a grant from the North American Mission Board Pastor's Adoption Fund. He also brought in a $7,000 grant from Show Hope.  Friends stepped up to help with fundraisers.  People helped cook food for dinners, helped with set up and decorating and others came to eat the ton of pasta and sides that were made. People gave donations for yard sales and auctions. Venue funds were donated. Talented music friends gave of time and traveled to sing in concert fundraisers. Multitudes of people prayed. It has been amazing and breath-taking to watch God provide.

Then God brought us Caleb. When that happened, we needed help because I spent so much time in the NICU with him or on the road to and from the NICU. Friends watched Joshua ALOT. Meals arrived on days when I did not think I could go on, and those leftovers sustained us for days. Gifts of diapers and wipes and clothes filtered in keeping me from having to run to the store. Several gift cards have arrived to help buy formula. Every card or word of encouragement came at the just the right time.

While Caleb's NICU stay was covered by Medicaid since that is what his birth mom was admitted under, the second round of bills were not. The moment he left the hospital on May 28, all future bills became ours like any other family, And the bills added up: Mary Immaculate ER for Caleb, CHKD Pediatric transport for Caleb, CHKD ER, and 3 nights in CHKD hospital.When we were concerned about covering the cost of medical bills, I inquired about adding night hours...and a previously unopened position opened that very day. Then something else really cool happened.

When Caleb was in CHKD, they gave us some information on their Charity Care assistance program. This is a program that offers assistance to those with large medical bills that aren't entirely covered by insurance (or those who have no insurance). I applied hoping that we would be eligible for a nice discount. Then today, a letter from CHKD charity care arrived with some almost unimaginable news - 100% of our bill was covered. 100%!!! I admit that I fell to the floor in tears of gratitude and praised Jesus right here in our house entryway. My heart still rejoices! There will still be some other bills to come in, but the bulk of the ordeal has been taken care of.

Tonight as I prepare to go to sleep and tomorrow as I work an incredibly long shift cleaning houses, I rejoice. My God has done exceedingly abundantly above all I could ask or think. (Eph. 3:20). My God has supplied all our needs  according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:19) And as I look back on this journey, I can once again join King David and say, "I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread."

Whirlwinds, Isolation, and Blessings

I realized today that It has been over a month since I last updated this blog. When I tell you what has been happening, I am fairly sure you will forgive me. It has been nuts. In fact, so nuts that I cannot remember it all without going to my FB posts to retrieve the "real-time" updates. So, for you FB friends, SOME of this will be old news put into narrative form. Thank you for reading.

May 28 - We brought Caleb home from his NICU stay. It was a great week, tiring but great, as we tried to adjust to being a family of 4 and not sleeping because the littler boy wouldn't sleep. The bliss didn't last long.

June 5 - When I woke that morning, I could not foresee how that day would go. I was grocery shopping when Eric called that something was wrong with Caleb's breathing. I left a buggy of groceries with a store associate and told them I had an emergency and had to go. When I got home, I found a baby with "shuddery" breathing, While I was on the phone with the Nurse line, Caleb quit breathing.and then started again. I was terrified. I hung up the phone and we drove to the ER. I sat in the back and held Caleb to keep making him scream. If he was screaming, he was breathing. We arrived at the ER much like a scene from a movie. I was the barefooted mom running in the door and screaming that my baby wasn't breathing, only I was saying "having trouble breathing." It was terrifying. Eric handed Joshua off to our pastor's wife who met us at the ER. After a bit, the doctor decided that we needed the expertise of CHKD and had us transported us to CHKD via pediatric ambulance. (I rode with him but had to ride up front.) He was so tiny in the middle of that huge yellow transport cart. 

              At CHKD, the amazing ER staff immeidately surrounded Caleb and began to hook him up to IVs and monitors so they could watch what was happening, check his breathing and heart rate, and give him fluids and antibiotic. Eventually, he was admitted to a regular room. After every test imaginable (it seems), docs say Caleb had the rhinovirus. That's just a common strand of cold this year. It is complicated by the fact that he is so small. The fact that he could not breathe right was what caused the Brady's. On this day, he was only 1 month old and not even to term yet since he was 5 weeks early. They said they would keep him for 37-48 hours from the time of the blood culture.

              (FROM FB later that night) "Eric and I got home at midnight. It took for ever to get home from Norfolk since the midtown tunnel was closed, as were other key roads to make the route home easier. When you don't know an area and it is 11 at night it is a bit frustrating. But we made it. I don't know how Eric feels, but I have a serious headache. I miss my boys. Our house is too quiet. And sleeping together in the same bed is overrated when you miss your kiddos. I think we would trade that just to have our boys home."

Caleb was finally released from the hospital on June 8. He was much improved, but the congestion and cough were scary for a long while. I don't think Eric or I have totally slept at ease since then. Anyone who comes to our house must wash their hands and have on a clean shirt. We don't go much around kids or crowds. We are kind of in isolation until July 5 when Caleb gets his 2 month shots.

June 30 - Caleb is doing well now. He is growing like a weed. I think he is over 8 pounds now. He eats 3-4 ounces of formula every 2-3 hours. He is about to split out of the Newborn clothes and go entirely to 0-3 month clothes. Mommy isn't ready for that, but, yet, I am; because that means he is healthy.  I am so grateful that he is doing as well as he is. I am grateful for the prayers for our boys. Thank you.

Late Night Reflections as a Family of 4

We are home. All my guys are under one roof!! It is wonderful and a bit surreal. It has been a crazy ride. As I sit here in the quiet house and all the family sleeps, I decided to write a long over due blog post while I wait for Caleb's 11 feeding. I need to shift his meal times gradually over a few days, but tonight I feel like he has had enough changes for one day. We all have had enough for a week.

Over the past 3 days we have had "the perfect storms" collide here at Casa de Spence. Joshua got a cold that he shared with Eric who tried to share it with me. I have managed to ward it off, but my guys, not so much. So, in the midst of travelling to Norfolk every day and trying to balance time with my bigger boy, we have been fighting sickness. Then 3 nights ago, Joshua woke at 1 am with a fever of 104.6. By the time we arrived at the ER at 1:30, the fever had climbed to 105.8! Scary stuff, ya'll. I have never seen my almost 3 year old look like he did that night. The docs never did figure out what it was. The thought it looked like Roseola, but he never got the lacy rash. I have no idea, so I am calling it the phantom fever. Nutso. A spontaneous visit to the ER on May 26, our 15th wedding anniversary, was how we kicked off the "celebration." We closed it that night with a dinner to Outback and a visit to the NICU to see our Littler Boy. Not the romantic getaway to Chincoteague that we had planned, but I would not trade it for the world. (Well, except that 105.8 fever and trip to ER. That I would change.)

Now Joshua, on top of all the changes in his little life, has an impromptu case of the hives. He gets these every spring, but the time isn't great. The poor little guy was out of his mind tonight. Itching, coughing, over-tired, over-stimulated, and trying to adapt to life as big brother, he could not seem to rest tonight. It took Eric over 2 hours to get him to go to sleep. ONLY Daddy could do that because Joshua didn't want anyone else. Good daddy. Overall, I think Joshua loves his brother. He was so cute touching him and saying "This is my brother, Cay-love. He is tiny. You brought him home!" He was so cute. I think those two will be best buds.

We are so thankful that Eric's parents made the 7+ hour trip up from SC to help with Joshua and well, everything else. And it has been nice for Joshua to remain in his house for several days instead of with all the wonderful people who have watched him during the days so I could go to Norfolk. I don't know what I would have done with our church family. Several families volunteered to keep Joshua. Our pastor's wife said she would be our "go to" person for care...and Joshua LOVES her boys. I think he had more fun with her than with mommy. HA! Mommy is boring, Mrs. Katie is cool. When Katie was unavailable, 4 other families helped out too. I am so grateful. And 2 meals arrived at our house last week on days when I thought I would drop with exhaustion. It has been amazing.

As I sit here in the dark and prepare to go get that littler boy for a late night snack and set my alarm for the early morning one, I am grateful. My heart is so full. My head hurts and my body aches, but my heart is full. The road to this point has been hard. Really hard, but I love having all my family under one roof. It is worth it all. Goodnight, folks. More another time.

Day 12 (I think, maybe?) - For the Love of a Baby Boy

Hello, Friends. It has been a few days since I last updated the official blog. I haven't had time to sit and think...and stay awake. Facebook has been my "go to" for real time updates, so a lot of this blog will be already known to many of you. It has been crazy! Here is what is going on...

Caleb is doing well. He is still in the NICU, but he is doing well. He is looking so good! His little head and cheeks are filling out. He is changing right before our eyes.He is eating very well and is overall a pretty chill little boy.  He is still having the Brady events, and they have reset the going home time 2 times. While the events are not truly life threatening, the doctors want to keep an eye on him a bit longer. So, now we hope for this Saturday (5/28). We shall see. 

The best news is that we signed the Secure Placement Agreement today!! Caleb is officially our forever boy!! We have known that since the beginning of time Caleb was ordained to be our child!! We just had to make it all legal-like.

All along the way, we have seen God so wonderful things! It has been a very bumpy ride. It has been a very long wait. We are tired. We have been stretched beyond what we thought possible. Through it all GOD has carried us. And we would do it all over again All For the Love of a little boy. 

Day 8 - "Flip Flop" Kind of a Days

Yesterday I went into the Special Care Unit and saw that they had the feeding tube out of Caleb! He has been consistently taking bottle by mouth and needed only a few reminders at each feeding! I was overjoyed. Then they told me that it looked like he would discharge Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. Say What?! We were over thrilled! I spent longer at the hospital on Wednesday so that I could go get his car seat to them for a 90 minute sit test (who knew?)...and figured I would rather enjoy my son then look at the bumpers of the rush hour traffic. lol

This morning I scurried around finding bottles, and formula, and diaper bag, and all the other little things I would need sooner rather than later if he did indeed come home on Thursday. I admit that I was feeling a bit nervous about bringing such a little one home. I wasn't so sure but I knew that God would never put me where He wouldn't give strength.

When we arrived at the hospital this morning, we found out that he would not discharge today because they wanted to watch a few more things over night. No biggie. We would find out when he would discharge when the doctors did their rounds at 10. So we waited. Baby Boy sucked down a bottle and lots of cuddles given and then came the docs. They gave his report and said that he would go home tomorrow!!! Whoohooo!! We called our social worker to set things up. We called the pediatrician to set up first visit. We called family and updated FB (So none of this news up to here is new to you FB peeps.)

Two hours later, baby boy was asleep on his daddy when the bells and alarms on his monitor went off. He was in a "Brady" as the staff called it. This is when the baby's heart rate drops suddenly to a below normal level and maintains that range for any length of time. These incidents are common in pre-term babies since the part of the brain that teaches them to breathe/suck/swallow are still developing. While the occurrence of Brady's are scary, they do not pose any serious threat in and of themselves. The length of time, the drop in other vitals, and whether or not they self correct with out stimulation are areas they monitor. Caleb's went 20 seconds. While the other vitals did not change and he did self-correct, the length of the episode caused the docs to "reset" the monitor period. So, all in all we wait another 5-7 days for Caleb to come home.Now that I am over the initial shock of everything, I am relieved that he will be getting the monitoring he needs. Eric and I (and the staff) only want what is best for our boy. 

So, Caleb doesn't get to come for another week. We maintain the course we have set and visit daily and wait for our boy to get stronger and more "mature." He is in a good place. I am so grateful for the Special Care Unit. I want him home, but only when it is best for him to be here. The Docs are smart people who study along time to do what they do. We are gonna rely on their knowledge and keep our boy under their care.

Thanks for the prayers and love. Our bigger boy is cared for daily some pretty awesome people who have my gratitude. It is so nice to be able to leave him knowing he is probably having more fun with his friends than he even does at home. HA! Mommy is boring he told me. Almost 2 year olds say crazy things. I leave you with one more "Joshua-ism" to make you laugh.

Last night I asked Joshua if he wanted Caleb to come home. Joshua said, "Yes, maybe I can fart with him." I sighed and laughed and know that this is only the beginning of life with boys. I am no stranger to it. I grew up with 3 brothers. Life is gonna get crazy! 

Goodnight, friends. This mama is worn out. Thanks for your prayers. Your prayers are touching our lives, as well as the lives of the staff and other babies. (I told them there were hundreds of people praying for them.)

Day 7 - "Birthdays" and Bottles

Today Caleb is 2 weeks old! Eric and I are baffled that it has only been 2 weeks that we have known about him. Lotsa life lived in those 2 weeks.

The name Caleb means "whole-hearted." The name Aiden means "little fire." He is a spunky little spark plug for sure.  I have a feeling this little boy will go on to defy the odds. Yesterday he took THREE bottles and ate each of them in the allotted 20 minute goal window. (He has 10-20 minutes to finish 1.5 ounces of formula via bottle before they transfer to feeding tube.) Yesterday morning he ate in 15 minutes. (He was alert and very hungry!) The next feeding I GOT TO FEED HIM with the help of the Neonatal Occupational Therapist (OT). He showed me how to remind Caleb to eat. Essentially, we are training him to do a consistent feed without forgetting what he is doing or going to sleep totally. Caleb ended up eating the whole bottle with coaxing. Then they tube fed him at 2. At 5, Eric was with him. They put him on the tube feed, but Eric noticed that Caleb was making sucking motions with his lips and acting like he WANTED to actually eat the bottle. When Eric pointed this out to the nurse, she was pleasantly surprised and agreed. So, Eric got to feed Caleb...and he ate the whole bottle with a bit of coaxing. I almost cried. Ok, so maybe I did cry. The problem isn't actually just eating, he can do that. The problem is that he needs to gain the skills to suck and breathe and consistently eat without reminding...and to not have his heart rate take dips when he forgets to breathe in between. (Those dips are called "Bradys" and are typical of preemies, but mommy doesn't like them.) Multitasking feeding/breathing skills are usually developed between 36-38 weeks gestation. He would only be 36 weeks today. So, there is time. He will get it. For now, I am thrilled that he is even wanting a bottle instead of the easy route of tube feeding. He sure hates that tube though. I can imagine that it feels like something is stuck in the back of his throat, much like we feel when thick mucus is stuck in our throats. So.not.fun. I have been telling Caleb that the only way he can get that nasty tube out of his nose is to actually take a whole bottle. I tell him that he needs to show the staff that he is smart and has "got skills." lol  Our little firecracker must want to go home. Prayers are working people. =)

I can hardly wait to see him this afternoon. But this morning, I get spend some more time with our bigger boy. =O)

Day 6 Of Babies and Medical Technology

Babies shouldn't come with wires, just sayin. That being said, I am very grateful for those wires and tubes. 50 years ago, my child would not have survived an early birth. In fact, most of the 48 babies in our NICU would never have survived early births and other birth/health complications. I truly have been impressed and am so grateful for modern technology and medical science. Despite all the bad in the world now, I am grateful to live in such an advanced age where all sorts of medicine, knowledge, and helps are available to the common people. I don't think I will take that for granted ever again. That medical science monitors my son's heart rate, blood oxygen level, and a myriad of other things. And not just his vitals, but the vitals of all 15 other preemies in the unit...and the other 2 units just like ours. A tiny tube runs from an automatic feeding machine to his nose to his belly and feeds him what he is unable to eat orally and sustains his life. Alarms go off when numbers drop or rise into certain ranges. Reminders tell when the food or medicine has been completely administered, They can give IV's of fluid. They can monitor the weight of urine and stool output to make sure the body is doing what it is supposed to. There are all sorts of medicines to help with every facet of baby well-being. There are warmers and special lights to help stimulate micro preemies to continue to grow and thrive. It truly is amazing!

And let me give a shout out to NICU nurses, doctors, and staff! Trained Medical professionals are cutting edge nowadays! It seems there is no limit to what they can learn to use to help these precious itty bitties. What an amazing group of people! They are truly special in the way they care for the teeny tiny babies with gentleness and smiles. And they don't get upset when a mama asks lots of questions or when the same mama asks for another pacy since her son decided to throw his on the floor again today. (He is a feisty little peanut.)

Sitting in that NICU with a birds-eye view of the master heart monitor and listening to the alarms go off all day, has reminded me how fragile life can be. And when I say fragile, I mean 2,3,4,5 pounds of skin and bones fighting for breath and the right to live. I am appalled that people even think that life should be terminated, and see how foolish those same people are when I look around the NICU at the 29-34 week premature little babies whom the staff are fighting to keep alive and whom have the same needs as all the rest of us. I am also reminded to pray for the little ones and their families. I don't know all the stories. I don't know what their little ones are facing. I can't hear what the doctors are saying to the weary mamas and papas. But I know how they feel. They wear the love for their children the same way I wear the love for mine. Our faces show what our hearts feel. We don't have to hide here in the NICU room of "semi-commonality". We all GET IT. So, as I there holding my precious boy and hear the monitors go off  and watch the little vitals bounce all over the place, I am reminded to pray. What a gift that has been for me. As I watch those parents' faces drop because they have gotten presumably not good news, I can pray. As those nurses scurry around caring for their young charges, I can pray. And then, I can offer smiles and a kind word. I have been amazed at how far those simple things go.

As hard as it is to leave my older child and drive to hold my younger child, this time in the NICU has been worth it. I have a birds-eye and inside-view to beauty and pain, hardship and victory, and the miraculous grace of God who is the giver of all things. Somehow, I don't think my life will ever be the same, and for that, I am grateful.

Day 5 - The last Facebook Repost for all you Non-FB Users ;)

Day 5.

(From Facebook) - I need to switch all this info to our blog because that would be the most logical place to update everyone, especially since not everyone has Facebook. Maybe I can copy all these posts to the blog this weekend when I have some down time and I find my brain. LOL (For all you non Facebook people, I apologize that I have let you hanging. I am going to endeavor to do better.)

Anyways, yesterday was a good day with Caleb. I got to hold him for over 4 hours, some with skin to skin. He is so sweet and I can't get over how tiny he is. Since he is transferred to the bassinet, he has lost weight some it is not at birth weight now. He took a bottle yesterday morning for the nurse. I will have to see how she did overnight when I get there this morning.

I am so grateful that he is as healthy as he is. As I sit there in a room full of preemies , I am just think we aware of how fragile life really is. I'll probably write a blog on that topic alone here in the near future. It's just a matter of finding time to actually write a blog. Voice texting while I continue on my duties as the easiest thing for me to do.


Yesterday we were supposed to meet the birth family but they could not make the appointment so it got postponed to possibly Thursday maybe later. I'm cool if it waits till later but I would love to meet them and hug their necks and tell them thank you for the gift of Caleb. The birth mother's rights terminated yesterday at 5 p.m. The birth father's rights terminate on Friday at 5 p.m. I believe I heard the Lord tell me this is my son so I'm clinging to that instead of the nagging voice of fear that buzzing around my head like an annoying fly. I'll choose peace over fear, and it really is a choice , because fear has rattled around my head for so long that it thinks it has a right there. I gave that to Christ a long time ago but I still struggle.

Anyways, our house is clean and ready for a the final walk-through by our social worker. Because it has been over six months since they were last here (actually it has been over 20 months), they have to check and make sure that everything that was there previously is still in place. I was grateful the meeting got cancelled last night so that we could come home and clean our house. I have an amazing husband. He rolled up his sleeves and dug into the cleaning with me, and even ate a dinner that was edible but that was about it.

I'm off to Norfolk this morning and Eric will get to go this evening. I'm probably going to skip Bible study and spend time with Joshua here at home , and maybe transfer all this text to our blog for our non-facebook friends... and for all you Facebook Savvy people as well.

I can't wait till Friday after 5 when I can show you pictures of our darling boy. I still can't believe he's ours. When I change his diaper or his onesie it feels like I'm playing dolls. Only those darn hoses and wires remind me that he's a very real little boy. His baby clothes are so small that they look like something that would go on a baby doll and not on a little peanut of a boy. I will update you all later. Hope you have a good day. thank you for your continued prayers for our little family. ( and when you pray could you remember the babies that are in the NICU with Caleb and their families? )

May 16 Repost from Facebook Since I failed to update my blog.

Yesterday was a good day all around. Church was great. Celebrating with our church family was awesome. Taking Joshua to meet his brother was definitely a memory worth preserving. I think Caleb became more real to Joshua once he got to touch him. He did very well for the hour he was in the room. Course he lost interest after a little bit because all Caleb does is lay there. But I think they will be best buds in no time. Not sure if we're going to bring Joshua down there again because the NICU is really not a place for a child so small and he gets pretty restless. We're just going to hope that Caleb comes home sooner rather than later.

I think the best surprise of all was when we walked into the NICU and Caleb was in a bassinet instead of the incubator! That was the first mile marker on the journey towards coming home. The little guy needs to learn to take bottles. Doctors and nurses say that it's just because he was so early and that portion of his brain is not developed yet. He'll learn. I get to go down today and hold him for 4 hours. I will probably do a lot of skin-to-skin and Kangaroo time with him. Thank you for your love and continued prayers. Our needs are few at this time with the exception of much prayer.

Not Your Typical Friday 13th and a Very Long Blog

My previous blog referenced a baby for whom we were shown but that we hadn't heard anything. How quickly life changes.

On May 4 we didn't know we were falling in love with a baby we had only just heard about. We longed for him in a way that was very unusual for us. We had been shown to birth families before but had only hopeful wishes not intense longing. I had never really obsessed about a specific baby. I had never before wanted to rush to the NICU to scoop up a little one and hold him until his family was chosen (whether it was us or not). This time was different.

Monday, May 9 - I emailed our social worker to see what the baby's status was. She said that they were still trying to reach the birth dad but a few profiles had been selected. They were hoping to have a match by the week's end. I was glad to hear that we were still possibly "in the running" for this little boy. I was also preparing myself to be sad when we found out that we weren't chosen. I knew I would not be devastated, but I would be sad. I felt such a  draw to this little one.

On May 10 at 1:19 pm I was standing in my kitchen washing dishes or eating lunch or something (I can't remember what.) I had actually NOT been thinking about baby boy for a little bit, as I had been trying to quit worrying about him. Then, out of no where, I heard/felt a voice say, "This is your son." I was a bit freaked out and thought maybe I was on the crazy train. I had had some health problems that have made me have a bit more hormones in my body and make me feel a bit off, so I attributed it to that. I didn't even tell Eric that I had "heard" it because I knew he would think I was nuts. I let it go, but couldn't shake the calmness that enveloped me.

I transferred the money we would need for final placement and told myself and Eric that it needed to be done "just in case." I found the baby carrier and car seat, washed the cloth portions, and wiped down the plastic, again "just in case." I figured that even if we weren't chosen this time, we would be eventually. I couldn't hurt to be a little prepared. Joshua asked me lots of questions about the baby stuff. He insisted that he wanted a sister. I wondered what he would think if God gave us a this boy...

Wednesday, May 11 was Eric's 38th birthday.It was a really good day for us. I think he enjoyed the fun things I planned throughout the day. He mentioned how great it would be to get a call that we had been chosen. We joked a bit about it. We also left that baby in the hands of the One who had already ordained from before time began which family he would join. 

Thursday, May 12. Joshua was previewing the preschool at our church. I dropped him off at 9:15 with promises that I would be in the church office and filter in and out to check on him because if he saw me, he would be distracted from preschool. So, I left him with the fabulous teachers and let them know I was just a few yards away in the office.

At 9:30am, my phone rang. My heart stopped. It was a local number that I had never seen, but I knew. I.just.knew. When I answered it, the friendly voice of our social worker greeted me. (She had never called me from her cell before.) After a few pleasantries she told us that we had been chosen to parent the baby boy born on May 4. I began to cry. Then laugh. Then cry some more. Since I was the church office, Eric came out of his office to see what was going on. When he saw my face, he knew. I think he knew the moment he heard my cry. Actually, I think we had "known" all along.

The office staff curiously peaked out the office door. When they realized what was happening, they began to cry with us. The rest is kind of a blur. I can remember asking our Social worker when we could see him. She said they had to make us Legal Guardians with the hospital so we could have access to him and that would need to take the rest of the day. We could meet him the next morning. Well, when you have been waiting 20 months, what were another 24 hours?!

The rest of the day was a flurry of phone calls and child care plans. My phone battery died. My ears hurt from being on the phone all day. My head hurt from crying and absorbing information. It was all so surreal...and I would not trade a moment of it. It.Was.Amazing.

On Friday, May 13, we arrived at the hospital 30 minutes early. We met our social worker a little after 10 and then went up to MEET OUR SON!!! Eric saw him first. I was trying to absorb the room filled with teeny tiny babies!! And then I saw him. Caleb Aiden Spence had a mommy and daddy...and we had another beautiful son.

Caleb was born on May 4 at 34 weeks gestation. He weighed 5 lbs 9 oz and is 21 inches long. He is doing very well. He is on a feeding tube because he wont take a bottle consistently yet, which doesn't help him gain weight to be able to transfer out the incubator into a little bed. The nurses call him feisty and are confident that he will progress quickly.

Eric and I are overjoyed! Joshua is excited to meet his brother "Cay-love." Angel isn't too sure about this new scent we brought home on a blanket. I think we are going to be just fine. It is going to be a crazy 2-3 weeks. Caleb can't come home for a bit, but I am going to Norfolk every day to hold him for as long as they will let me, which is about 4 hours.

Tonight, we go to bed so very tired, but incredibly grateful. We have another son. Another beautiful and so tiny little boy. A little miracle wrapped in preemie diapers and too big newborn clothes. We are so blessed. Thank you for your prayers for us to bring home another child. Please continue to pray for Caleb to grow strong and to take his bottles regularly. Also, please for the legal process, as the revocation period (the time the birth families have change their minds and decide to parent) is up next Friday at 5pm. Please pray for me to drive safely back and forth to Norfolk every day. Please pray for Eric and I as we learn to balance life with 2 kids and especially right now as we have to leave Joshua with friends everyday to see Caleb.

Life just took a crazy good turn. And we are pumped.

Of Babies and Profiles

While we were on vacation we received an email about a little baby soon to be born. This baby was to be born on June 7. We knew of some potential medical concerns, but we released our profile to be shown knowing God was in control and that He already knew if this was our baby. Due to health complications, he was born on May 4. He was placed in NICU and is still there to my knowledge. His birth mom has many decisions to make in the near future. Her life has some long-term challenges that she will need to face and she may not be able to parent this child. I don't know of her decision. We may never know. Their stories are not mine to tell.

For some reason, I have been unusually "attached" to this baby boy. I want to rush to his location and hold him there in the NICU. I believe we were shown to this mother, but we have heard nothing yet. The lapsed time frame leads me to believe that we were not chosen again this time. While I am not devastated, I am sad. The timing of his birth, the fact that we were at the tail end of vacation, the close proximity to Eric's birthday and mother's day would have been perfect. Maybe it is the fact that we have waited almost 20 months for our baby to find us. Maybe it is the thought of a little one so delicate and needing to be held by loving arms of "his" family. I don't know. All I know is that this baby has been on my mind all weekend.

Today, I am praying for that birth mom and the decisions and challenges she faces. I am praying for a little boy who was born facing medical challenges. I am praying for the doctors and nurses who are caring for him. I am praying that maybe there will be a NICU volunteer who might perchance get to hold him and love on him. I am praying for the family who may get to see their dreams become reality as their new addition comes home. I realize that God is in control. I really want the best for that baby. He knows where our baby is, and who the perfect family is for this little one. NOTHING can stop God from bringing our child to us. Today though, my heart is longing.

Throughout this adoption process I have endeavored to be really real. To give "outsiders" a small glimpse into the heart of domestic infant adoption. To let you see that it isn't all peaches and roses. To let you know that the wait is hard and that there are lots of other families just like us who are waiting for a newborn. To let you see the miracle unfold. Our miracle is still being prepared. Our hearts are still being prepared. The wait is sooooo hard. I don't write this for sympathy. I don't write so you can suggest "other adoption paths". We firmly believe that this is where God has us and that domestic infant adoption is the answer to abortion. Writing is cathartic...and knowing that even one person is praying with us is strength enough.


Thank you.

Forward and Back and in Between

I have been thinking about baby 2 a lot lately. More than normal, really. I am guessing it is because April 1 just passed  - Savannah Grace's birthday. As I journey back in time to some of the hardest days in my life when we "lost" a little girl, I also tend to look forward in anticipation to the day we will finally meet our baby 2...and reflect on the current times with our son. Funny how the mind works. Mine is usually a jumbled mess of random thoughts, sometimes, but not always, held together by a teeny-tiny thread of a thought. I guess the links for these thoughts  are "baby and adoption."

Savannah Grace, our butterfly girl, was born April 1. We had known about her since she was 3 months in her mama's womb. Two days before she was born, we spent the night in the hospital with her family and listened to her heart beat over the monitors all night long. The day she was born, I was honored to be in the delivery room and watch her take her first breath, listen to her first cry, and hold her within an hour of her being born. It was an amazing privilege. The state of Virginia has a 10 day wait period in which the birth mom can change her mind. On day 7, her mama changed her mind and decided to parent Savannah. Our hearts were beyond broken, shattered into a million pieces. I entered the darkest days of my life and felt like I couldn't breathe. Losing a child will do that to you, I guess. It was hard. Through the dark times, all I could do was hang on to one thing - the fact that God is good and can be nothing less. That one thought carried me through the dark days of the next 3 months.

Then on July 3, a call came that there was a little baby born on June 8 and was currently in Interim Care...and we had been chosen to be his parents...and he could be placed with us in 5 days! We were beyond ecstatic! Joshua has been a constant joy in our lives. Being his mommy is the greatest thing ever! I love looking at the world through his eyes. Each day he is growing more, doing more, saying more, and just being amazing. God has created a pretty amazing and smart little boy. I am blessed to be entrusted with him. No doubt, the past almost 3 years with him have been the best years. I am grateful.

Looking back and reflecting on the present has me thinking about the future. Every day I wonder "will today be the day we get 'that' call?" Every day I pray for our child and her birth mom. (Joshua thinks that our baby is a girl. I cannot speculate on that, but I will welcome either a boy or girl...or twins.) The waiting is hard this time too. I liken it to the many years of monthly negative pregnancy tests, only now it is a monthly update that reveals we weren't shown yet again. That anticipation and then that crush of disappointment, I could get angry. I am definitely antsy. However, I choose to hang on to the one thought that carried me through those dark days 3 years ago: God is good. The same good God that was my Rock and my strength when we lost "our" girl is still the same good God today as we wait month after month (18+ months!) for our next child. I know that God is still good and that he has good plans. He can be nothing less today then he was before because he is unchangeable. (Malachi 3:6, James 1:17) I know that our agency isn't in control of when our baby comes home; God is. There is nothing we can do to "speed up" the process. (But oh how I wish I could.) Being powerless causes me to depend on strength that I don't have-strength that can only come from God. Because I know that God is good and that he is in control, I can look forward to the future with anticipation. God's ways are much higher than my own. And I know that "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire is come, it is a tree of life." (Prov. 13:12) We wait. We grow. We trust. We cling to the One Who is Good and who is the Giver of All Good Gifts. (Psalm 84:11)

Just Being Real - 16 months and still waiting

The following post was written a little bit ago, but I delayed posting it for a variety of reasons. First, I wanted to make sure that the emotions were not blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Second, I wanted any possible situations that could possibly be remotely linked to my emotions to have passed. Lastly, but probably the most accurate, was that I was afraid. Afraid to be real and let my thoughts be put "out there" for the world to scrutinize--because once those thoughts are published, then come the comments and criticisms. In the end, posting won out because so many times people have not idea what a day (or days) in the life of an adoptive journey can at times be like. Welcome to my heart. Thanks for reading:

Triggers are things that cause an involuntary reaction or thought. Most of the time I am fine with the whole waiting thing. Most of the time I can look at others' babies and read adoption stories and be just fine. Then I read something or hear something that triggers a deep emotion within me, one that on most days I can control. Then there are days when every fiber of my being hurts from longing for that child. Today is one of those days. A simple stroll through cyberland caused the emotions that I usually keep in check to come tumbling out. Anger, frustration, and tears welled up and burst out...and all I can do is think of our "someday" little one.

At this point we have been officially waiting to meet our child for almost 16 months, but it seems more like a lifetime. During this 16 months, our profile has only been shown to 4 birth mothers, two times which were in the month of December 2015. The lack of activity is so disheartening. When is our time? Why are we not being shown? Why did they not choose us? Gah!!! It is maddening some times!

For 10 years we traveled into the world of infertility. Then almost 4 years ago, we dove headlong into the world of adoption. 18 months into "the process" we met our son, prior to there was the disrupted adoption of sweet Savannah Grace. Now we are 16 month in again, but it feels different this time. It feels endless. During the past 16 month we have seen babies born, families adopt, and other families announce pending adoptions--and WE ARE THRILLED! Truly we are. Every family created or added to is a miracle, a gift from God. But we also hurt a little. It is kinda like all the years of looking at our own negative pregnancy tests and still wanting to rejoice with those whose pregnancy tests were positive. It is a strange combo of pain and joy.

Emotions are funny things. You can know with all your heart and mind that God is in control. You can believe with every fiber of your being that God indeed has a plan and that he has created or is creating a child that he ordained from before time began to be OUR CHILD.  Yet, the intense emotions that come with the wait are hard to swallow. I know others may have waited longer. I know that others may have had it harder. I also know that others have not hardly had to wait at all. Still others are contacted before they are actually "in the process". Still others never are matched. Craziness.

The world of adoption is a weird as the emotions that go along with it.  It is a roller coaster ride for each family. Each adoption story is unique, miraculous, and beautifully hard in its own way. But the wait triggers similar emotions in all cases simply because waiting is hard. No one, adopting or not, likes to wait for something good to come their way. I, for one, hate to wait for anything! Not for the coffee to brew or for dinner to be done or for a special trip....and especially not for a baby.

So, here I sit being incredibly real, not for sympathy or pity or trite comments, but for the simple requests of asking you to pray. There is nothing that we can do to hurry the process along. There is nothing that we can to do bring our baby home EXCEPT to pray. Pray for the woman carrying our child to be healthy and wise. Pray for the baby to grow strong in her womb. Pray for the doctors that deliver the baby, Pray for the agency as they minister to the birth mom and her family. Pray for us to be strong and patiently wait on the Lord. Pray for our courage to be bolstered and our faith to be strengthened. And pray that we will wait with joy and anticipation of the good things our God has planned for us. Waiting for the good stuff is sooooo hard. Proverbs tells us that hope deferred makes the heart sick; but when desire is come, it is a tree of life. We are ready for the Jeremiah 29:11 promise of "a future with hope" to be fulfilled. We are ready to meet this next addition to the family. We are ready. Will you pray with us?

Thank you for reading.
~Virginia