I have been thinking about baby 2 a lot lately. More than normal, really. I am guessing it is because April 1 just passed - Savannah Grace's birthday. As I journey back in time to some of the hardest days in my life when we "lost" a little girl, I also tend to look forward in anticipation to the day we will finally meet our baby 2...and reflect on the current times with our son. Funny how the mind works. Mine is usually a jumbled mess of random thoughts, sometimes, but not always, held together by a teeny-tiny thread of a thought. I guess the links for these thoughts are "baby and adoption."
Savannah Grace, our butterfly girl, was born April 1. We had known about her since she was 3 months in her mama's womb. Two days before she was born, we spent the night in the hospital with her family and listened to her heart beat over the monitors all night long. The day she was born, I was honored to be in the delivery room and watch her take her first breath, listen to her first cry, and hold her within an hour of her being born. It was an amazing privilege. The state of Virginia has a 10 day wait period in which the birth mom can change her mind. On day 7, her mama changed her mind and decided to parent Savannah. Our hearts were beyond broken, shattered into a million pieces. I entered the darkest days of my life and felt like I couldn't breathe. Losing a child will do that to you, I guess. It was hard. Through the dark times, all I could do was hang on to one thing - the fact that God is good and can be nothing less. That one thought carried me through the dark days of the next 3 months.
Then on July 3, a call came that there was a little baby born on June 8 and was currently in Interim Care...and we had been chosen to be his parents...and he could be placed with us in 5 days! We were beyond ecstatic! Joshua has been a constant joy in our lives. Being his mommy is the greatest thing ever! I love looking at the world through his eyes. Each day he is growing more, doing more, saying more, and just being amazing. God has created a pretty amazing and smart little boy. I am blessed to be entrusted with him. No doubt, the past almost 3 years with him have been the best years. I am grateful.
Looking back and reflecting on the present has me thinking about the future. Every day I wonder "will today be the day we get 'that' call?" Every day I pray for our child and her birth mom. (Joshua thinks that our baby is a girl. I cannot speculate on that, but I will welcome either a boy or girl...or twins.) The waiting is hard this time too. I liken it to the many years of monthly negative pregnancy tests, only now it is a monthly update that reveals we weren't shown yet again. That anticipation and then that crush of disappointment, I could get angry. I am definitely antsy. However, I choose to hang on to the one thought that carried me through those dark days 3 years ago: God is good. The same good God that was my Rock and my strength when we lost "our" girl is still the same good God today as we wait month after month (18+ months!) for our next child. I know that God is still good and that he has good plans. He can be nothing less today then he was before because he is unchangeable. (Malachi 3:6, James 1:17) I know that our agency isn't in control of when our baby comes home; God is. There is nothing we can do to "speed up" the process. (But oh how I wish I could.) Being powerless causes me to depend on strength that I don't have-strength that can only come from God. Because I know that God is good and that he is in control, I can look forward to the future with anticipation. God's ways are much higher than my own. And I know that "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire is come, it is a tree of life." (Prov. 13:12) We wait. We grow. We trust. We cling to the One Who is Good and who is the Giver of All Good Gifts. (Psalm 84:11)
